Friday, July 24, 2009

Heating Up The Blue Lagoon

I must apologise to my reader for the lack of updates - the excitement of The Goddess and Queen Toy Toy releases overshadowed everything momentarily. Though a showing of a fabulous video on Clubland TV reminded me of a post I said I was going to do before Evacuate The Dancefloor appeared.

Hunky David

German band Blue Lagoon are the reason bisexuality was invented. The sexy couple Estrella and David O'Joseph would convince the most ardent hetero or homo to swing the other way... For further proof, check out the video for their debut German Gold selling single Break My Stride. note the crotch thrusting at the 2:14 mark...

Fancy A Sandwich?

The couple specialise in reggae covers of classic tracks with hits in Germany, Sweden, Austria and Denmark as well as various other countries across Europe - though they have yet to break the UK despite AATW almost giving them some promotion.

Stunning Estrella

Having released two albums Club Lagoon and Sentimental Fools, the dishy duo are hopefully working on a third while raising their family.

You can visit their website where you can preview the albums and find a few more videos on youtube. All pictures were shamelessly borrowed from their myspace page.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Evacuate The Dancefloor Review

It has been just over a week since I got my hands on the latest aural scriptures from The Goddess, Evacuate The Dancefloor which follows hot on the heels of their UK #1 single of the same name so its about time I reviewed it for the unbelievers.


Evacuate the Dancefloor
Fabulous opening track and a club stomper. Though I don't see the CaCa rip off that some claim. A bit different from the usual Cascada sound, but still a future classic. Not quite up there with What Hurts The Most or Miracle, but still excellent.

Hold On
Starts off a bit badly, almost like a terrible midtempo "indie" track and turns into typical Cascada. Not the best track to follow such a great opener.

Everytime I Hear Your Name
Similar to Everytime We Touch, only with the verses fast and the first half of the chorus slower. A decent track that manages to sound fresh and new despite following the tried and tested formula

Ready Or Not
Another heavy hitting dance anthem that will probably take the clubs by storm though it could easily have fitted onto the revious album Perfect Day.

Note To Dannii: This Is Called Promotion.

A fan favourite that merges the more electro sound of the title track with the classic Cascada sound. Think Booty Luv's Some Kind Of Rush but harder and with a hint of guitar. Rumoured to be the next single.

Hold Your Hands Up
A quite tender downtempo number featuring stunning Natalie showing off her sultry vocals accompanied by an acoustic guitar and some drums. Lovely.

A bit of an odd one. Reminds me of Kids In America with its slightly rockier edge. I can see this getting full remix treatment for the clubs though.

The Goddess back to doing what she does best - Hi NRG dance - though this has an added menacing undertone. A video has been filmed (though it seems to have vanished from youtube) so it may be a future single somewhere.

Stunning Natalie showing off another two massive hits

Why You Had To Leave
Very much Cascada by numbers and one of only two substandard / filler type tracks.

What About Me
Yet another hands-in-the-air floor filler though with a bit more of an electronic edge than similar track on the previous two albums

Draw The Line
Absolutely stunning ballad where busty beauty natalie showcases her large lumgs with only a piano for company. The highlight of the album and hopefully it will get a single release.

Overall, far better than previous effort Perfect Day and on par with Everytime We Touch only let down really by the second track taking away from the momentum of the first. Dannii would kill for an album this good.
Bap Rating: Dannii's WMDD's

Sunday, July 05, 2009

The Goddess Triumphant!

$ucce$$! Stunning Natalie Horler has claimed her rightful place atop the UK Charts. Despite a publicity stunt by Michael Jackson attempting to claim the title with an old song by dying, Cascada's latest club stomper Evacuate The Dancefloor ascended to the throne from its midweek position of #3.

Take that Dannii! The true Queen Of Clubs is here.

Remember to buy the stunning new album of the same name - out Monday! (or now!)

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Black Marks

ElectroFLOP fans would no doubt be excited by the recent release of Kish Mauve's debut album Black Heart - if they had ever heard of them. Most famous for writing Kylie's 2 Hearts (which they had released on their self titled 3 track EP in 2005) and Lose Control.

Musically they are excellent and from the EP, 2 Hearts and Lose Control, the expectation was for a highly individual and unique masterpiece fusing electro with rockier instruments and rhythms. Unfortunately the end result leaves you wondering where exactly you have heard the tracks before (the cover art is very reminiscent of St Etienne)... Adding to this, singer Mina's vocals are very flat and unengaging - sounding detatched and indifferent for the most part (a technique tried, tested and FLOPPED with indie chicks of the 90's) and robotic, stilted and over pronounced the rest of the time. Sarah Cracknell she ain't!

MinaBot - better than Rosin at least.

Lose Control
When Kylie's version leaked, it was greeted with joy and hype - and subsequent rage when it wasn't on X. While Kylie's version isn't that good but had potential, their own version is much worse and ruined by Mina's robotic, emotionless delivery. A waste. At least it sounds quite original and could have been great. There are 15 remixes available on itunes some of which are quite good.

Daft Punk meets Goldfrapp but the verses suffer from terrible lyrics that wouldn't be out of place on one of poopoo's shitefests.

I Don't Care
The chorus is a direct rip off of the Killers Mr Brightside and the rest is the standard "electro rock" from Hot Fuss.


In My Kitchen
Sounds like the Pretenders covering the Hoosiers shitefest Mr A.

Black Heart
Contains an uncredited rip off from The Eurythmics You Have Placed A Chill In My Heart over a track ripped straight from Goldfrapp's Black Cherry album...

Come On
Becomes a failry standard indie track very quickly, again chanelling the Killers and with a very weak chorus.

Rather cliched radio friendly romp that sounds strikingly similar to Celebrity Skin era Hole...

Shite track, excellent video

You Make Me Feel
Stunning - a beautifully haunting slow burner and for once Mina's robotic vocals almost suit the song. Easily the stand out track. Penned by Kylie and Richard Stannard.

Modern Love
Absolutely terrible lyrically again. On the plus side, it doesn't sound like Goldfrapp or the Killers and towards the end turns into a fantastic track.

Fast Forwardto the good bits near the end.

Another beautiful track, though it seems to be beautiful era Garbage meets Tiger Bay era St Etienne

I'm In Love With Your Rock And Roll
Sounds like a Killers B-Side.

2 Hearts
Kish mauve's own version of the Kylie smash is apparently an iTunes bonus track. While many think their version is the better, again Mina's stilted vocals just don't cut it.

Overall, while it aspires to be the best Goldfrapp album that they never made, it sounds like a NME compilation album lacking in any kind of spark. A massive disappointment.
Turn On: You Make Me Feel
Turn Off: Morphine
Bap Rating: Paris Pancakes
If You Like This: Try The Killers Hot Fuss, Goldfrapp's Black Cherry and The Eurythmics back catalogue which are all what Black Heart tries to be. Or try that pretentious bint Rosin from Moloko.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Official: Kylie is OVAH DA HILL!

Aged Aussie strumpet Kylie Minogue today officially joins the poopoo in Ye Middle Age! The sexy songbird turns 41 today, which makes her ancient by pop standards and according to the brain dead FLOPjustice followers (and rather ironically by Trolls Of The poopoo). Despite the fact that most producers are in their late 30's - early 40's and fashion is decided by 60 year old fat MINGERS...

To celebrate, here are my Top 11 Kylie videos:

#11 Wow (2008)

#10 Finer Feelings (1991)

#9 Give Me Just A Little More Time (1990/1991)

#8 Red Blooded Woman (2004)

#7 On A Night Like This (2000)

#6 In Your Eyes (2002)

#5 Word Is Out (1991)

#4 Breathe (1998)

#3 All I See (2008)

#2 Where Is The Feeling? (1995)

#1 Chocloate (2004)

Friday, May 22, 2009

DD-Day For Dannii?

Poor Dannii! It looks like her much touted yet utterly useless Queen Of Clubs title is losing its shine, and her continued indifference towards her music career and her long-suffering fans is beginning to dawn on even the most lobotomized of Droids!

It wasn't too long ago that VILE dEroYd kAwEen nafensayz was BANNING anyone who dared to suggest that Dannii wasn't a Diamond selling musical force with chart success rivalling that of the Beatles, Elvis and Michael Jackson, meaning that the vast majority of Dannii's remaining long term hardcore fans were being turned off their busty icon. However, a quick visit t the Droid Collective will reveal those once branding "troll" and "hayata" round on anyone who dared enjoy Dannii for what she is, conspiring to get them banned is now parrotting off the same lines about FLOPS and holidays used by those "trolls"! Though without the underlying injections of humour and admiration.

How ever will Dannii cope? No doubt catching the next Easyjet flight to St Tropez...

It also looks like the much hyped Freemasons collaboration will never see the light of day, assuming Dannii actually managed to do her two line vocal contribution but the epic Who Do You Love Now, Dannii's biggest worldwide smash, has been reissued in Brazil with a new remix by Bart Claessen. A career as the new Nikki French looks likely!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Goddess Returns!

Cascada are back! Stunning Natalie Horler and those two blokes who do the knob twiddling are unleashing their fabulous new single Evacuate The Dancefloor from the album of the same name on the world on the 29th of June and the fabulous people at Clubland.FM have the exclusive new video! You can watch it here.

Or thanks to Steve at AATW, you can watch it here!

It gets a bap rating of Natalie's Norks from me.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

El Haze del Barrio

From one sexy Spaniard to another...

While Reggaeton and US "urban" music is the sound of Lation America, Spain tends to remain firmly entrenched in its European roots - meaning lots of fabulous trashy Europop mimed to by busty blonde babes. Though anyone who has visited the cities of Spain will no doubt have noticed a thriving hip-hop subculture, mostly consisting of groups of teenagers hanging round street corners crumpin' to classic US hip-hop. And while generally hip-hop is not big in Spain, it has the support of a growing underground scene from los barrios (or "hoods") of urban espagna - and a few thriving local artists.

One of the most prolific and most successful is Serio Lopez aka El Haze (or Haze). A bit of rough straight from the set of a Triga film, Haze has managed to grow a loyal following in Spain (and to an extent parts of Latin America) with his songs that touch a chord with the lower paid masses of sunny Spain with social injustice, domestic violence and poverty being raised - a far cry from the blinged up crystal drinking uberpussies of the US hip-hop scene.

Three albums in to his career that should have lasted a novelty single, Haze shows no signs of slowing down. Though he is yet to pose naked for Zero, his rough and ready attitude and street looks have made him a pin-up for certain Barcelona gay men and the odd UK visitor...

First album Cronicas Del Barrio was such a massive success that Universal had to reissue it to meet demand, though naturally the reissue included a few new tracks including 7 Virgenes. From what my terrible Spanish translation can gather, there was also a film / documentary filmed highlighting the dire poverty of the Spanish "ghettos" of his native Seville that Haze brought to the publics attention.

Turn On: El Bola, the hilarious Satisfucktion, and if you like a bit of rough the booklet pictures are a gift from the Gods of Gay Porn
Turn Off: If you don't speak Spanish, you won't get the full message behind some of the more hard hitting tracks.
Bap Rating: Toy's Treasures

Second album, El Precio De La Fama (subtitled Hip Hop En La Sangre) dealt more with the troubles brought on by Sergio's new found celebrity status. So plenty of tradidtional hip-hop anthems revolving around ho's, haterz and being hot feature packaged with a Christ-like semi naked cover shot make this essential listening and wank fantasy fodder - something most rappers will never achieve. Inner booklet has further hot pictures shot on a derelict mine, including my favourite shot of the hunky hispanic hottie (the rear booklet cover).
Turn On: Rompe Tu Silencio
Turn Off: the ten 4 second tracks before Mientras Los Barrios Duermen (which in the standard edition starts 30 seconds late and cuts off half way through, though this is fixed for the reissued CD + DVD Deluxe Edition).
Bap Rating: Dannii's WMDD's

Followed up in 2008 with 3rd Round, Lopez put on some clothes and returned to his roots while also sending up his own fame. Though a bit more hit-and-miss than previous efforts, the boxer themed photoshoot will have Triga fans spontaniously combusting due to excessive masturbation.
Turn On: Suenos
Turn Off: Haze 4 Life
Bap Rating: Mutya's Mammaries

It is hard to get hold of Haze albums from the usual outlets such as ebay and amazon, though both El Corte Ingles and FNAC are good places to try as well as your local branch of Discos Nodas.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Jesus Desnudos!

Jesus Vazquez is one of the best known and most popular Spanish TV presenters fronting the Spanish version of Deal Or No Deal, ¡Allá tú! - and one of the highest profile openly gay celebrities in Europe, having outed himself in Spanish magazine Zero which, if anything, boosted his profile and his career. Having won awards for presenting the sexy Spaniard has also been a spokesman for an amnesty campaign against domestic violence (that highlighted that it could happen to anyone regardless of gender or sexuality), returned to modelling occasionally, dipped his toe into acting, been active in Gay Rights and awareness campaigns and hosted various award shows.

Desnudos! Putting most 23 year olds to shame with his tanned and toned torso

At age 43, he is still a popular pin up with men and women alike (especially due to full frontal naked snaps of him on a nude beach circulating the internet and Spanish gossip mags) , though the former model is happily married to partner Roberto Cortes, breaking the hearts of hordes of horny Spanish Senoritas and a few Seniors.

Sexy - male cleavage to rival Dannii's rack!

However, it is a little know fact that the sexy Spaniard had a brief singing career. Back in 1993, he released the album A Dos Milimetros Escasos De Tu Bora on BMG / Ariola records. A surprisingly good record typically cheesy 90's Spanish Pop such as lead single Y Yo Te Bese but without the usual cheap production that marred most 90's records. The booklet is particularly thick and glossy, containing some rather sexy pictures of Vazquez, including one in tight leather trousers and a shirt opened to reveal a toned chest - they knew his market!

Turn On: Everything! And if the music doesn't float your boat, the bookelt pictures will...
Turn Off: It ends after only 11 tracks
Bap Rating: Dannii's WMDD's
Visit: Official Site

Sadly, this album is long out of print and difficult to get hold of unless you are willing to trawl through second hand shops in Barcelona or Madrid in the hope of finding a copy.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Satanic Kylie!

In one of the most hilarious articles EVER posted by Australian "news" website ninemsn, Pop Princess Kylie has been outed as SATANIC! I see it now - Better The Devil You Know was about her romps with daemonic beings and Kids was a subtle way of inducting unsuspecting teens into worshipping Lucifer... and it means that the Droids were right - Kylie used her influence with him downstairs to spitefully ruin Dannii's career!

Kylie Corrupts! Recruiting The Gays to the Dark Prince.

Here is what they had to say:

Kylie Minogue

Kylie Minogue may be mostly known for her cutesy pop songs and girl-next-door style, but she's been busted doing a few things granny wouldn't approve of in her time. Bad boy rockers Lenny Kravitz and the late Michael Hutchence come to mind.

Devil lovin' moment: Singing from atop a giant devil's head on her recent X tour was about as evil as it gets from Ms Minogue.

Kylie bewitches the audience on her X2008 Tour

One can only hope that this is not serious (or more likely they mixed the real Kylie up with some VILE parasitic money grabbing talentless plastic surgery addicted wannabe who is desperate for fame and has worked the casting couches throughout Australia)... check it out (at #12) and 10 other evil rockers here.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Kylie USA 2009 - For Me, For You.

Even though Mike from Pop Trash Addicts posted about it first, as did almost every other blogger in the entire universe (because I was asleep), Kylie is finally taking a tour to the US & Canada with 6 - make that 7 and counting - dates in late September / October. Though probably an extension of X2008 with a few choice tracks omitted in favour of some stuff that was a minor hit in the US like Confide In Me (BB Hot Dance #39), Butterfly (US Hot Dance #14) or Red Blooded Woman (US Hot Dance #1), the usual alKylieda suspects rumour mill is going into overdrive with suggestions that it will be a radically revamped show where she will preview new tracks from her 11th studio album (which according to an EMI Press release, will be out this [financial] year).

To celebrate, here is another of her many US club classics - summer smash All I See (BB Dance #4), though fortunately crapper MIMS appears to have been replaced by sexy Marco Da Silva

This calls for a holiday!

Saturday, May 02, 2009


She's got it!

Kylie kicked off her European Festival Circuit commitments today in style at the "ISHGL On Top Of The Mountain" gig in Austria- and it looks like these gigs are forming a third leg of the X2008 tour (now X2009)

Lights..... Sound.....Mind.....Body.....

Opening with Speakerphone - complete with new stage props and stunning Gaultier ensemble (half of which seems to be recycled from the Atlantis opening) and dodgy sunglasses before classics like Can't Get You Out Of My Head, In Your Eyes, Loveboat and X tracks Wow (pictured above), 2 Hearts and Like A Drug.

Up yours alKylieda! - Kylie sticks to her guns to do Loveboat

According to dek from sayhey who was there with his daughter, the setlist was:

Boombox /Can't Get You Out Of My Head
In Your Eyes

Heart Beat Rock

Like A Drug
2 Hearts

Spinning Around
Better The Devil You Know
I Believe In You (Ballad)

On A Night Like This
Your Disco Needs You
Step Back In Time
In Your Arms

Love At First Sight

Kylie also stated in a pre-show interview that she felt it was "time" to get recording for her 11th studio album, so with work already started there is a slight chance that a taster might slip into one of these gigs - much like In Your Eyes snuck in during the V performance...

Lucky for Kylie, (but not for straight male fans) she had finished changing...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The HITS and FLOPS of the week!

Finally, something I post on here gets the success it deserves! Mentioed by myself in an earlier random post, the fabulous Number 1 by Tinchy Stryder featuring N-Dubz claimed the top spot in the UK Singles Chart last week, and looks set to hang on for a second week! Yay! Congratulations to Tinchy, Tuslia, Dappy and Fazer for this well deserved $ucce$$.

You can view the stunning video here.

N-Dubz also confirmed that they have sold over 400,00 copies of their debut album Uncle B

Take that Dannii! Another AATW act that has topped the charts...

And even better news for VILE talentless trollps Hoez Afoul! Not content with the news that they may split asunder like Slutty Sarah's legs at z-list hangout Chinawhites with Racist Cheryl going solo and rent-a-beard Nadine supposedly doign the same, it looks like their latest SHITEFEST is going to be their first official FLOP and miss the Top 10!

And not before time!

However, it has brought out the CUNTS in force - just look at what one deranged GAyer had to say...

"... because whereas The Loving Kind would have gotten away without this kind of thing (just), Untouchable NEEDS this treatment.

I was thinking, instead of us fans buying 20 copies each, fans should be buying 50 copies each. What's £90 or whatever when their Top 10 run is at stake? It is our duty to do this.

This is why I'm setting up the Facebook page 'GET UNTOUCHABLE INTO THE TOP 10 - MULTI-BUY'.

If we say get, 1000 members from the UK signing up, who'll all pledge to buy 50 CDs/Downloads/Vinyls each (With CDs, separate transactions and in separate stores - so some travelling around the country will be involved here), then we could get them selling 50,000. And then with the amount it'd sell ordinarily, it could have a good chance of #1.

Click here and join up... Facebook Group"

Desperate! Deranged! Deaf! What a waste of dole money...

Yes that IS a picture of purchases of one format made by that pathetic CUNT. On Monday alone! And they did the same for their previous aural turd...

Makes DULLta's Cultists look positively sane by comparision - the record for bulk purchases being 37 copies of the almost bearable second album Mistaken Identity and at least they were spread across different formats from different (well three) countries...

Friday, April 03, 2009

Top 10 $ucce$$ for Dannii!

Take that Kylie and haters! Dannii's massive mammaries have boosted her into the Top 10 of the FMH Hot 100 Hall Of Fame! beating strumpet Jordan, egotistical Miss Tyra and epilectic banshee Beyawnsay to a respectable #8 - her biggest hit since heaving her WMDD's out for the video of You Won't Forget About Me back in 2004.

This is what the wank addicts at FHM had to say:


Dannii Minogue

Highest Ever Position: 10

Career High:Transforming herself from awkward teen tearaway Emma Jackson in Home And Away, to voluptuous pop vixen in the early Nineties – upping her cup size to a magnificent “D” in the process.

Snippet: “I’ve been in Playboy in Australia. I loved it. I think it's really empowering and positive towards women.” Hear! Hear!

$ucce$$! To celebrate, here are Dannii's Top 5 sexiest videos:

#5 I Begin To Wonder (UK #2, 2003)

In lace gloves and curve-clinging red dress, Dannii romps round an industrial estate.

#4 So Under Pressure (UK #20, 2006)

Sibling suffering has never been so sexy! In sympathy with sister Kylie's illness, Dannii frolics with her lipstick lesbian dance troupe and squeezes her famous rack into a tight white bikini to writhe suggestively with an albino python.

Watch the video here.

#3 All I Wanna Do (UK #4, 1997)

Busty blonde Dannii's first video appearance, featuring sexy showering Dannii, ample cleavage and vintage internet porn surfers!

#2 You Won't Forget About Me (UK #7, 2004)

Heaving out the WMDD's made this one of Dannii's most-watched videos.

Watch the video here.

#1 Put The Needle On It (UK #7, 2002)

Dirty hands, she demands! Seductively posing astride a massive 12"er, pole dancing and rubbing herself against a wall that grows invisible hands while showcasing her buxom breasts in sexy cutting edge designer clobber. It must have been cold on set...

All hail the kWeN oV kLuBz1111

Friday, March 27, 2009

Random Stuff

I am NEVER slagging off the NHS again! After enduring the barbaric treatment of my local hospital, recently rated the third worst in Europe I couldn't be arsed completing the posts I ahd planned, so in the meantime here is some random stuff I am enjoying at the moment.

And what better way to recover from being butchered than by bathing in the Orange Radiance of the Queen Of Clubland! Perma-tanned sex symbol K Lo is back to her breast and is doing her bit for the ailing economy by bathing in Ronseal to supplement her spray tan - and turning one of the poopoo's forgotten turds into a future classic!

AATW managed to once again forget to promote their acts so the release of the latest single by hardcore pin-up boy Darren Styles managed to go completely unnoticed by everyone, even with a video that sees him being chased by underwear clad strumpets trying to seduce him into bed.

However, the reverse is almost true for current AATW in-house favourites Blackout Crew - who despite being derided even by stalwart AATW fans as "cheap, nasty, talentless CHAV scum" have made another nonsensical ditty about themselves. The video for Dialed is rather shamelessly tacky, but sexy member AKA looks particulary hot in his pinstripe shirt and grey waistcoat

While following on from the proud tradition of the fabulous Sunblock, Swedish sensations E-Type return with a rather average track and a pneumatic video featuring a bevvy of busty beauties.

and still wearing his Star In The Hood clobber, Tinchy Stryder has teemed up with the Chav-tastic N-Dubz for latest single Number 1 - probably an ode to Dannii's inability to achieve one on a chart that matters.

Everyones favourite Lesbian Icon P!nk serves up yet another stunning video with her latest single Please Don't Leave Me which is a humourous take on Misery complete with some sexy Nurse outfits...

and finally an old classic from Spanish Hip-Hop sex symbol, Haze who I shall be writing about more shortly.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Queen Annie

Probably one of the most underrated Diva's of recent times is the fabulous Annie Lennox. Though her stellar work with Dave Steward as the Eurythmics is recognised and praised worldwide (and rightly so!), the sexy Scotswomens solo work is sadly ignored. Apart from those who remember she did the wacky crazy dress sense long before the current crop of try-hards - and she could actually carry it off with style and panache. With the release of The Annie Lennox Collection, I can't think of a better time to peruse the back catalogue of this feisty female superstar.

First solo album Diva is a veritable pop masterpiece - spawning 5 singles and a fabulous video album, continuing the trend started with The Eurythmics for artistic and creative videos - and the most successful commercially. Containing a diverse array of musical styles and themes, many of which are rather dark and most highly personal - something that continues throughout her solo work.
Turn On: Little Bird, Precious
Turn Off: Don't you dare touch it! This is perfection!
Bap Rating: Toys Treasures
Trivia: A cover of the Precious b-side Step-By-Step was a sizeable hit for crack and vibrator addict Whitney Houston

Follow up Medusa was slightly more low-key due to Annie wishing to escape the media spotlight and allow her young daughters a proper, private upbringing. Consisting of cover songs previously recorded by male artists (including a haunting version of Whiter Shade Of Pale) it doesn't quite hit the same standard of Diva but contains some fabulously subverted gems - and despite commercial success, remains Annie's weakest solo project.
Turn On: Take Me To The River, No More "I Love You's"
Turn Off: Train In Vain
Bap Rating: Paris Pancakes
Trivia: The original version of Whiter Shade Of Pail was the first record Lennox ever purchased.

It was many years before Lennox returned with her third album (having spent the time as a mother and rejoining Dave to release the album Peace) but it was worth the wait. Bare is exquisitely haunting and melancholy in every way and each track is a masterpiece.
Turn On: Pavement Cracks, Lonliness
Turn Off: This masterpiece needs listened to in its entirety and does not contain a single dud.
Bap Rating: Dannii's WMDD's
Trivia: Bare produced 3 #1 hits on the US Hot Dance / Club Play chart, but no singles were released in the UK

Final solo effort, Songs Of Mass Destruction is another that sees Lennox embracing a number of darker, moodier and issue led songs - though it is probably her hardest to get into.
Turn On: Dark Road, Smithereens
Turn Off: Sing
Baps Rating: Mutya's Mammaries
Trivia: Sing contained vocal contributions from 23 female stars including the Sugababes, Anastasia, Celine Dion, Skankira and the poopoo - the latter ruining the track entirely. A nice idea, but too many cooks...

and onto the collection itself:

Little Bird
An amazing anthem, filled with such passion and strength, yet speaking from a deep depression. Beyond fabulous. The amazing video is the cherry on top

Walking On Broken Glass
Another stunning track delivered with emotion lacking in most of the FLOP tarts of today. Also accompanied by a sensational video

A lovely track, but compared to many of its peers on Diva, it doesn't have quite the same punch unfortunately

No More "I Love You's"
Another epic from the Aberdonian Amazon - delivered with just the right emotional inflection when required. Yet anotehr one of the many fabulous videos, set in a decadent gender-bending brothel

Remeniscant of the electro-funk of some of the later Eurythmics work, this personal ode to her elder daughter at the time of writing (and is now dedicated them both) . Immensely powerful and stunning - and the video is another breathtaking masterpiece.

A Whiter Shade Of Pale
Beautifully haunting and more than a match for the original

A Thousand Beautiful Things
Simply stunning

What should have been an emotive and powerful anthem fails simply has too many others involved - and many of their contributions are far too insipid or robotic for something like this. The track had the potential, and still does. Just lose the egotistical bitches like Skankira and the poopoo...

Pavement Cracks
Another depressingly beautiful or beautifully depressing track.

Love Song For A Vampire
Perfectly matching the different emotions one would expect in a haunting vampire love ballad and making something shimmeringly gorgeous. It oozes unrequited lust and desire. Shame about the film...

Another stunningly haunting ballad with a stunning video

Dark Road
Another moody number from La Lennox

Pattern Of My Life
Previously titled "Closer Now" when it was a b-side by dullards Keane, one can only assume this is an improvement on the original. As it stands, it is very dull, insipid and uninspired, adn not what you'd expect from Annie.

Shining Light
Another cover, this time of "britpop" / "indie" Oirish bores Ash, though at least this time the song has been resuced from coma-inducing shitefest to listenable. Though it is still a substandard effort by Annie's very lofty standards.

Bonus CD:
Into The West
There are no words to describe just how stunning this epic is. Powerful and emotive lyrics and vocal delivery only add to the punch of this bitter lament. And this is without taking it within the context of the setting. This track remains one of the few to ever move me to tears.

Ladies Of The Canyon
A rather dull cover of a Joni Mitchell track

Hush, Hush, Hush
A haunting and woeful ballad is what Annie excels at, and this is no exception.

Many Rivers To Cross (Live, from Idol Gives Back)
Rather tedious when placed alongside the rest of Annie's back catalogue, but a nice enough performance.

Dream Angus
Any fellow Scots should know this song by heart, and Annie's interpretation is sublime.

One of the craziest woman in music covering THE craziest woman in music - could only ever be good. This Bjork classic won't go down well with those that like MOR Annie, but she adds a sublime darkness that Bjork counldn't hope to emulate.

Everybody Hurts (duet with Alicia Keys) (Live from "Keep A Child Alive"'s Black Ball UK)
I really don't like this song at all though this duet is bearable

Everytime We Say Goodbye

Anyone with taste needs to buy The Annie Lennox Collection now. Especially the 2 x CD & DVD set

Visit: The Annie Lennox youtube Channel; Annie Lennox Official Site

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Viva La Lopez!

With the forthcoming Greatest Hits Still From The Block to be released shortly, I felt it was time to do a countdown of my favourite tracks by the boricuan beauty. La Lopez is probably the last "Triple Threat" we are likely to see - singer, dancer, actress as well as business woman, perfumier, sex symbol, fashion icon, marathon runner, mother and role model for latina loveleys everywhere. The Bronx babe is also famous for her rotund rump - bringing sexy back and proving to the world that women with curves are hot, skeletons are not!

#10 Porque Te Marchas
(From Como Ama Una Mujer)
A Spanish version of (Can't Believe) This Is Me from Rebirth, this epic ballad has all the passion of the original with extra raw and emotive vocals from the bootlyicious boruica.

#9 Hold It Don't Drop It
(from Brave)
A throwback to the classic Soul Train days of the 70's when disco divas reigned supreme. If this had been the lead single, then Brave would have been huge. Shame the artwork is rather horrible

Live La Lopez!

#8 Si Ya Se Acabo
(From J Lo)
While her Spanish album Como Ama Una Mujer is beyond fabulous throughout, nothing gets quite as close to the brilliance of this chirpy little number. I have no idea what it is about though it always reminds me that I keep promising myself that I will learn Spanish.

#7 I'm Real
(From J Lo)
Fresh feelgood music with attitude.

#6 Waiting For Tonight (Hex's Momentous Radio Mix)
(From J To Tha L-O The Remixes)
Classic J Lo and probably her signature tune - and while the original (from On The 6) was fabulous, the Hex Hector mixes managed to take things up a notch. Has several fabulous videos as well based around the original, remix, Una Noche Mas, Una Noche Mas remix, Spanglish and Spanglish remix - all seamless.

#5 Whatever You Wanna Do
(From Rebirth)
While most fans will site Cherry Pie as the standout track from the much misunderstood Rebirth, it has nothing on this funky ditty that James Brown would have killed to perform. Went down a storm when the voluptous vixen performed it at NY Pride.

This is probably the wrong video...

#4 I'm Glad
(From This Is Me... Then)

Flashdance has never been sexier.

#3 Ain't It Funny
(From J Lo)
A sultry number with a sensational Herb Ritts directed video. On a related note, Ain't It Funny (Murder Remix) just missed making this list.

#2 The One / The One (Version 2)
(From This Is Me... Then)

A stunning heartfelt ballad from her finest album ever. Choosing between versions is almost impossible, though the original is slightly more shimmeringly gorgeous.


#1 Feelin' So Good (featuring Big Pun & Fat Joe)
(From On The 6)

One of the few gems salvageable from her stinker of a debut. A nice laid back funky number that sounds as good when lounging by the pool as it does hitting the clubs - and the song that started the infamous trend of La Lopez letting lesser talents from her posse of rent-a-crappers pollute her records.

Viva La Lopez! Note the fabulous furs - no doubt taken fresh from the pets of haters.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

When good songs happen to VILE CUNTS

Every so often, there comes a track that you can't help loving despite the fact you hate the artist. And at the moment, there are a few of them around. The situation hasn't been helped by the fabulous Clubland TV putting several of them on high rotation or my watching the usually crap Channel U...

Taio Cruz is "famous" for a song about his bukkake sessions with VILE talentless trollop Luciana but put him with Channel U favourite Tinchy Stryder and you have a fabulous little ditty that showcases everything that is right about current musical trends. I love the whole "Star In The Hood" advertising thing as well - even though Busta did it first with "The Big Bang"...

Missy Elliot clearly has the Midas touch (except when it comes to her own stuff) - having taken those talentless SLUTS into a must-have. Nicole FLOPzingers vile vocals have been thankfully obliterated by clever use of a vocorder and autotuner, and one of the background bints gets to sing! Though it has to be said that whenthe hottest thing in a video by a girl group that promotes itself as a sexy all-singing, all dancing troupe is Missy then you know its time for them to fuck off back to the gutter where they belong.

Even though this is at least 2 years old, this is just getting played in the UK. Egotistical CUNT Gigi D'Agostino managed to take a classic, make it even more fabulous and give it an amazing video. Also worth checking out is the video for Bla Bla Bla - jsut make sure you have your speakers turned off first.

and another couple of oldies from Rihanna who is rather crap, but has managed to do foure good tracks - Umbrella, We Ride, Don't Stop The Music and Disturbia. Shame about her abysmal live performances and countless reissues and rereleases of the same fucking album... I wonder if plans to reissue GGGB again are what made Chris Brown snap? Enjoy this live performance of DSTM if you can.

and last but not least, no post about VILE talentless CUNTS would be complete without mentioning Hoez Afoul. Biology is their only decent track and one of the last ever decent productions from the increasingly shite and up their own arses Xenomania. Watch for racist Cheryl not even being able to mime properly...

Thursday, February 19, 2009

21cm, otherwise known as 8"

A picture says a thousand words - especially when you don't understand the language. So when I saw the cover of Duo Kie's latest album 21cm on the shelf in El Corte Ingles I had to buy it.

Not only does the cover look like a censored gaydar advert, the title is equally suggestive. Though assuming that the title applies to the band member in question, he must be a grower.

The rather fabulous Yeah! video

A staple of the Spanish Hip-Hop scene since 1999, 21cm is the duo's 4th album.

Turn On: Aryutokintumi?
Turn Off: En El Club Con 50 Centimos
Bap Rating: Mutya's Mammaries
If you like this: check out my earlier posts about Calle 13 and keep reading for some more trashy Spanish Hip-Hop
Visit: the Duo Kie myspace

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dannii's biggest FLOPS!

Whenever anyone talks of the younger Minogue sister, steering the conversation towards her chart toppers is an impossible task - because she has had none! Infact, as far as the general public is concerned, Dannii is famous for being Kylie's plastic surgery addicted sister, for baring her famous baps for Playboy and for somehow managing to blag her way onto the panel for the X Factor, probably because of her aforementioned jugs. However, anyone who has managed a visit to the Droid Collective will hear a different story - where Dannii is a multiplatinum multi-million selling $ucce$ story, credible vocalist and accomplished live performer; and anyone who says different is an evil jealous hater and most probably her spiteful sister in disguise...

Since there are endless Dannii "hits" compliations currently clogging up bargain bins worldwide, what better way to introduce the younger, bustier Minogue than with some stuff that even fans don't know about! It goes without saying that in the US, Japan and Europe that none of these charted...

#10 He's The Greatest Dancer

(From Club Disco, OZ #37, SP #9)
Despite being Dannii's biggest ever hit in Spain and the single (selected to be the annual BBC Children In Need charity single) being canned in the UK due to her inability to get it recorded on time, Dannii appearing on one of the highest rated Australian TV shows weekly and performing on the other two (as well as on the CIN show), though it did do alright considering she couldn't be arsed showing up for the video shoot...

The Droids Say: Distribution problems! I went to JB Hi-Fi and they told me they weren't getting any until next week and Sanity only had 2 copies but I bought them both as well as the three in HMV Bourke St and five from Chapel St but I left one cos then they wouldn't have counted.

Using sexual metaphor, Dannii expresses her pain in her undies

#9 So Under Pressure
(From The Hits & Beyond, UK #20, OZ #16, IR #31, NZ, #DNC, EU # DNC, IT #DNC)
While it remains only one of two Dannii songs to chart higher in her native Australia than in the UK (the other being her debut Love & Kisses back in 1990), it could only scrape into the UK Top 20 on a technicality, (due to the massive Crazy by Gnarls Barklay which would have been #17 being excluded under the chart rules of the time as it had been deleted two weeks previously) before plummetting faster than DULLTa's knickers at a Sony board meeting. Draping a python round her famous rack in the video and half arsed miming during the various promotional performances only helped cement Dannii's image as a FLOP star who cannot sing and gets her tits out, meaning that the public failed to embrace this stunning ode to sibling suffering.

What The Droids Say: Kylie sabotaged Dannii's career by deliberately getting cancer.

#8 Boogie Woogie
(From The Best Of Eurogroove, JP #DNC)
Made such an impact that noone knows anythign about it and it remains one of Danni's rarest tracks to date. Rumours that it made #1 on the Japanese charts have been revealed to be false by various J-Pop lovers across the internet, and as Eurogroove were Japanese, it wouldn't have charted on the international chart. An unconfirmed chart placing of #55 has been mentioned.

What The Droids Say: Nathen Says it was number one in Japan! Nathen will confurm!

#7 Get Into You
(From Get Into You UK #36, OZ #79, IR #DNC)
One of the most patheticly desperate attempts by La Minogue to give herself some cred and coolness by copying Janet Jackson and En Vogue. The only surprising thing about the lack of success of this aural turd is that it charted at all...

What The Droids Say: Dannii is so ahead of her time.

Dannii Does Dykes!

#6 Everlasting Night
(From some mardi gras compilation, OZ #42)
A one-off single not available anywhere else and the official song of the infamous Mardi Gras - surely a guaranteed Top 10 hit if ever there was one, yet the best it could do was hang around outside the Top 40 for a couple of weeks like a bad smell before vanishing without a trace.

What The Droids say: Homophobes!

#5 Coconut
(From Girl / The Singles, OZ #63)
Releasing a song that is a hidden track on an album noone bought as a single to promote a Greatest Hits compilation that noone bought, and was such a smash in the clubs that it even has its own naughty game based on the lyrics. Yet noone bought it.

What the Droids say: Evil Jealous Hater! Coconut was not a FLOP! I heard it in a club the other night.

#4 Don't Wanna Take This Pain
(From Dannii / Love And Kisses And... UK #40, OZ #98, IR #DNC)
Three (five in the UK) singles in and already barely charting...

What the Droids say: It was the 5th single from a gold album and it was Christmas and sales were bigger then anyway

#3 Show You the Way To Go
(From Get Into You, UK #30, OZ #DNC, IR #DNC)
First single from a new album, charity single, cover of a famous Jackson 5 hit - bound to be Top 10, right?

What The Droids say: Hater! You don't understand the Australian charts! It got to #104 which was higher than Madonna's I Want You* which only got to #140!

Pre-Surgery Dannii = HOT!

#2 Love's On Every Corner
(From Get Into You, UK #44, IR #DNC)
Take one track penned by Cathy Dennis, who was hot property at the time, add some trendy US flavoured melody and backing vocals and an edgy new video complete with street dancing. Fail to chart. Wasn't released in Australia due to the FLOP of SYTWTG and its failure to do anything in the UK.

What the Droids say: It doesn't count, it wasn't meant to be released.

#1 Touch Me Like That
(From Club Disco (Australian Edition), UK #48, OZ #DNC, IR #DNC, EU #DNC, IT #DNC)
10 million people saw Dannii every Saturday night on the X Factor - her profile had never been higher and she was getting a lot of positive press (especially in light of the vicious attacks on her by Sharon and Louise). Though the video did get her a new following with rubber fetishists, who used it as wank fodder.

What the Droids say: Dannii is the Queen Of Clubs! Such a success! The charts are fixed. Downloading is to blame. Everyone downloaded it illegally. It is AATW's fault.

Her bapshake brings all the boys to the RSL!

*IWY wasn't released in Australia... oops