Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dannii's biggest FLOPS!

Whenever anyone talks of the younger Minogue sister, steering the conversation towards her chart toppers is an impossible task - because she has had none! Infact, as far as the general public is concerned, Dannii is famous for being Kylie's plastic surgery addicted sister, for baring her famous baps for Playboy and for somehow managing to blag her way onto the panel for the X Factor, probably because of her aforementioned jugs. However, anyone who has managed a visit to the Droid Collective will hear a different story - where Dannii is a multiplatinum multi-million selling $ucce$ story, credible vocalist and accomplished live performer; and anyone who says different is an evil jealous hater and most probably her spiteful sister in disguise...



Since there are endless Dannii "hits" compliations currently clogging up bargain bins worldwide, what better way to introduce the younger, bustier Minogue than with some stuff that even fans don't know about! It goes without saying that in the US, Japan and Europe that none of these charted...




#10 He's The Greatest Dancer

(From Club Disco, OZ #37, SP #9)
Despite being Dannii's biggest ever hit in Spain and the single (selected to be the annual BBC Children In Need charity single) being canned in the UK due to her inability to get it recorded on time, Dannii appearing on one of the highest rated Australian TV shows weekly and performing on the other two (as well as on the CIN show), though it did do alright considering she couldn't be arsed showing up for the video shoot...

The Droids Say: Distribution problems! I went to JB Hi-Fi and they told me they weren't getting any until next week and Sanity only had 2 copies but I bought them both as well as the three in HMV Bourke St and five from Chapel St but I left one cos then they wouldn't have counted.


Using sexual metaphor, Dannii expresses her pain in her undies

#9 So Under Pressure
(From The Hits & Beyond, UK #20, OZ #16, IR #31, NZ, #DNC, EU # DNC, IT #DNC)
While it remains only one of two Dannii songs to chart higher in her native Australia than in the UK (the other being her debut Love & Kisses back in 1990), it could only scrape into the UK Top 20 on a technicality, (due to the massive Crazy by Gnarls Barklay which would have been #17 being excluded under the chart rules of the time as it had been deleted two weeks previously) before plummetting faster than DULLTa's knickers at a Sony board meeting. Draping a python round her famous rack in the video and half arsed miming during the various promotional performances only helped cement Dannii's image as a FLOP star who cannot sing and gets her tits out, meaning that the public failed to embrace this stunning ode to sibling suffering.

What The Droids Say: Kylie sabotaged Dannii's career by deliberately getting cancer.



#8 Boogie Woogie
(From The Best Of Eurogroove, JP #DNC)
Made such an impact that noone knows anythign about it and it remains one of Danni's rarest tracks to date. Rumours that it made #1 on the Japanese charts have been revealed to be false by various J-Pop lovers across the internet, and as Eurogroove were Japanese, it wouldn't have charted on the international chart. An unconfirmed chart placing of #55 has been mentioned.

What The Droids Say: Nathen Says it was number one in Japan! Nathen will confurm!



#7 Get Into You
(From Get Into You UK #36, OZ #79, IR #DNC)
One of the most patheticly desperate attempts by La Minogue to give herself some cred and coolness by copying Janet Jackson and En Vogue. The only surprising thing about the lack of success of this aural turd is that it charted at all...

What The Droids Say: Dannii is so ahead of her time.


Dannii Does Dykes!

#6 Everlasting Night
(From some mardi gras compilation, OZ #42)
A one-off single not available anywhere else and the official song of the infamous Mardi Gras - surely a guaranteed Top 10 hit if ever there was one, yet the best it could do was hang around outside the Top 40 for a couple of weeks like a bad smell before vanishing without a trace.

What The Droids say: Homophobes!



#5 Coconut
(From Girl / The Singles, OZ #63)
Releasing a song that is a hidden track on an album noone bought as a single to promote a Greatest Hits compilation that noone bought, and was such a smash in the clubs that it even has its own naughty game based on the lyrics. Yet noone bought it.

What the Droids say: Evil Jealous Hater! Coconut was not a FLOP! I heard it in a club the other night.



#4 Don't Wanna Take This Pain
(From Dannii / Love And Kisses And... UK #40, OZ #98, IR #DNC)
Three (five in the UK) singles in and already barely charting...

What the Droids say: It was the 5th single from a gold album and it was Christmas and sales were bigger then anyway

#3 Show You the Way To Go
(From Get Into You, UK #30, OZ #DNC, IR #DNC)
First single from a new album, charity single, cover of a famous Jackson 5 hit - bound to be Top 10, right?

What The Droids say: Hater! You don't understand the Australian charts! It got to #104 which was higher than Madonna's I Want You* which only got to #140!

Pre-Surgery Dannii = HOT!

#2 Love's On Every Corner
(From Get Into You, UK #44, IR #DNC)
Take one track penned by Cathy Dennis, who was hot property at the time, add some trendy US flavoured melody and backing vocals and an edgy new video complete with street dancing. Fail to chart. Wasn't released in Australia due to the FLOP of SYTWTG and its failure to do anything in the UK.

What the Droids say: It doesn't count, it wasn't meant to be released.



#1 Touch Me Like That
(From Club Disco (Australian Edition), UK #48, OZ #DNC, IR #DNC, EU #DNC, IT #DNC)
10 million people saw Dannii every Saturday night on the X Factor - her profile had never been higher and she was getting a lot of positive press (especially in light of the vicious attacks on her by Sharon and Louise). Though the video did get her a new following with rubber fetishists, who used it as wank fodder.

What the Droids say: Dannii is the Queen Of Clubs! Such a success! The charts are fixed. Downloading is to blame. Everyone downloaded it illegally. It is AATW's fault.

Her bapshake brings all the boys to the RSL!

*IWY wasn't released in Australia... oops

4 comments:

Mike said...

LOL!

This stunning entry is already in the running for "post of the year" at the next PTA awards. However, I do think Boogie Woogie & Rescue Me were relatively successful in Japan. The other excuses are droid classics though!

PS. The word verification was "bowel"!!!

Justin said...

What a fabulous post! I'm sure Nafen and Dwoid pweeencez Jennie-C are planning an all out assualt now that the link to this post has ~appeared~ on the collective.

Magical Froggy said...

Brilliant post! Captured my love (and fear of the Droids) perfectly. :D

HayatainDisguize said...

You're so dead on with the Droid defense mechanisms! Dannii could do no wrong when it comes to them. Just excuses, excuses. Foolish droids!