Black Marks

ElectroFLOP fans would no doubt be excited by the recent release of Kish Mauve's debut album Black Heart - if they had ever heard of them. Most famous for writing Kylie's 2 Hearts (which they had released on their self titled 3 track EP in 2005) and Lose Control.

Musically they are excellent and from the EP, 2 Hearts and Lose Control, the expectation was for a highly individual and unique masterpiece fusing electro with rockier instruments and rhythms. Unfortunately the end result leaves you wondering where exactly you have heard the tracks before (the cover art is very reminiscent of St Etienne)... Adding to this, singer Mina's vocals are very flat and unengaging - sounding detatched and indifferent for the most part (a technique tried, tested and FLOPPED with indie chicks of the 90's) and robotic, stilted and over pronounced the rest of the time. Sarah Cracknell she ain't!

MinaBot - better than Rosin at least.

Lose Control
When Kylie's version leaked, it was greeted with joy and hype - and subsequent rage when it wasn't on X. While Kylie's version isn't that good but had potential, their own version is much worse and ruined by Mina's robotic, emotionless delivery. A waste. At least it sounds quite original and could have been great. There are 15 remixes available on itunes some of which are quite good.
5/10

Matthew
Daft Punk meets Goldfrapp but the verses suffer from terrible lyrics that wouldn't be out of place on one of poopoo's shitefests.
5/10

I Don't Care
The chorus is a direct rip off of the Killers Mr Brightside and the rest is the standard "electro rock" from Hot Fuss.
3/10

Yawn...

In My Kitchen
Sounds like the Pretenders covering the Hoosiers shitefest Mr A.
4/10

Black Heart
Contains an uncredited rip off from The Eurythmics You Have Placed A Chill In My Heart over a track ripped straight from Goldfrapp's Black Cherry album...
5/10

Come On
Becomes a failry standard indie track very quickly, again chanelling the Killers and with a very weak chorus.
3/10

Morphine
Rather cliched radio friendly romp that sounds strikingly similar to Celebrity Skin era Hole...
2/10

Shite track, excellent video

You Make Me Feel
Stunning - a beautifully haunting slow burner and for once Mina's robotic vocals almost suit the song. Easily the stand out track. Penned by Kylie and Richard Stannard.
9/10

Modern Love
Absolutely terrible lyrically again. On the plus side, it doesn't sound like Goldfrapp or the Killers and towards the end turns into a fantastic track.
4/10

Fast Forwardto the good bits near the end.

Fahrenheit
Another beautiful track, though it seems to be beautiful era Garbage meets Tiger Bay era St Etienne
7/10

I'm In Love With Your Rock And Roll
Sounds like a Killers B-Side.
5/10

2 Hearts
Kish mauve's own version of the Kylie smash is apparently an iTunes bonus track. While many think their version is the better, again Mina's stilted vocals just don't cut it.
5/10

Overall, while it aspires to be the best Goldfrapp album that they never made, it sounds like a NME compilation album lacking in any kind of spark. A massive disappointment.
Turn On: You Make Me Feel
Turn Off: Morphine
Bap Rating: Paris Pancakes
If You Like This: Try The Killers Hot Fuss, Goldfrapp's Black Cherry and The Eurythmics back catalogue which are all what Black Heart tries to be. Or try that pretentious bint Rosin from Moloko.

Official: Kylie is OVAH DA HILL!

Aged Aussie strumpet Kylie Minogue today officially joins the poopoo in Ye Middle Age! The sexy songbird turns 41 today, which makes her ancient by pop standards and according to the brain dead FLOPjustice followers (and rather ironically by Trolls Of The poopoo). Despite the fact that most producers are in their late 30's - early 40's and fashion is decided by 60 year old fat MINGERS...

To celebrate, here are my Top 11 Kylie videos:

#11 Wow (2008)


#10 Finer Feelings (1991)


#9 Give Me Just A Little More Time (1990/1991)


#8 Red Blooded Woman (2004)


#7 On A Night Like This (2000)


#6 In Your Eyes (2002)


#5 Word Is Out (1991)


#4 Breathe (1998)


#3 All I See (2008)


#2 Where Is The Feeling? (1995)

#1 Chocloate (2004)

DD-Day For Dannii?

Poor Dannii! It looks like her much touted yet utterly useless Queen Of Clubs title is losing its shine, and her continued indifference towards her music career and her long-suffering fans is beginning to dawn on even the most lobotomized of Droids!

It wasn't too long ago that VILE dEroYd kAwEen nafensayz was BANNING anyone who dared to suggest that Dannii wasn't a Diamond selling musical force with chart success rivalling that of the Beatles, Elvis and Michael Jackson, meaning that the vast majority of Dannii's remaining long term hardcore fans were being turned off their busty icon. However, a quick visit t the Droid Collective will reveal those once branding "troll" and "hayata" round on anyone who dared enjoy Dannii for what she is, conspiring to get them banned is now parrotting off the same lines about FLOPS and holidays used by those "trolls"! Though without the underlying injections of humour and admiration.

How ever will Dannii cope? No doubt catching the next Easyjet flight to St Tropez...

It also looks like the much hyped Freemasons collaboration will never see the light of day, assuming Dannii actually managed to do her two line vocal contribution but the epic Who Do You Love Now, Dannii's biggest worldwide smash, has been reissued in Brazil with a new remix by Bart Claessen. A career as the new Nikki French looks likely!

The Goddess Returns!

Cascada are back! Stunning Natalie Horler and those two blokes who do the knob twiddling are unleashing their fabulous new single Evacuate The Dancefloor from the album of the same name on the world on the 29th of June and the fabulous people at Clubland.FM have the exclusive new video! You can watch it here.

Or thanks to Steve at AATW, you can watch it here!





It gets a bap rating of Natalie's Norks from me.

El Haze del Barrio

From one sexy Spaniard to another...



While Reggaeton and US "urban" music is the sound of Lation America, Spain tends to remain firmly entrenched in its European roots - meaning lots of fabulous trashy Europop mimed to by busty blonde babes. Though anyone who has visited the cities of Spain will no doubt have noticed a thriving hip-hop subculture, mostly consisting of groups of teenagers hanging round street corners crumpin' to classic US hip-hop. And while generally hip-hop is not big in Spain, it has the support of a growing underground scene from los barrios (or "hoods") of urban espagna - and a few thriving local artists.



One of the most prolific and most successful is Serio Lopez aka El Haze (or Haze). A bit of rough straight from the set of a Triga film, Haze has managed to grow a loyal following in Spain (and to an extent parts of Latin America) with his songs that touch a chord with the lower paid masses of sunny Spain with social injustice, domestic violence and poverty being raised - a far cry from the blinged up crystal drinking uberpussies of the US hip-hop scene.



Three albums in to his career that should have lasted a novelty single, Haze shows no signs of slowing down. Though he is yet to pose naked for Zero, his rough and ready attitude and street looks have made him a pin-up for certain Barcelona gay men and the odd UK visitor...



First album Cronicas Del Barrio was such a massive success that Universal had to reissue it to meet demand, though naturally the reissue included a few new tracks including 7 Virgenes. From what my terrible Spanish translation can gather, there was also a film / documentary filmed highlighting the dire poverty of the Spanish "ghettos" of his native Seville that Haze brought to the publics attention.

Turn On: El Bola, the hilarious Satisfucktion, and if you like a bit of rough the booklet pictures are a gift from the Gods of Gay Porn
Turn Off: If you don't speak Spanish, you won't get the full message behind some of the more hard hitting tracks.
Bap Rating: Toy's Treasures




Second album, El Precio De La Fama (subtitled Hip Hop En La Sangre) dealt more with the troubles brought on by Sergio's new found celebrity status. So plenty of tradidtional hip-hop anthems revolving around ho's, haterz and being hot feature packaged with a Christ-like semi naked cover shot make this essential listening and wank fantasy fodder - something most rappers will never achieve. Inner booklet has further hot pictures shot on a derelict mine, including my favourite shot of the hunky hispanic hottie (the rear booklet cover).
Turn On: Rompe Tu Silencio
Turn Off: the ten 4 second tracks before Mientras Los Barrios Duermen (which in the standard edition starts 30 seconds late and cuts off half way through, though this is fixed for the reissued CD + DVD Deluxe Edition).
Bap Rating: Dannii's WMDD's





Followed up in 2008 with 3rd Round, Lopez put on some clothes and returned to his roots while also sending up his own fame. Though a bit more hit-and-miss than previous efforts, the boxer themed photoshoot will have Triga fans spontaniously combusting due to excessive masturbation.
Turn On: Suenos
Turn Off: Haze 4 Life
Bap Rating: Mutya's Mammaries




It is hard to get hold of Haze albums from the usual outlets such as ebay and amazon, though both El Corte Ingles and FNAC are good places to try as well as your local branch of Discos Nodas.

Jesus Desnudos!

Jesus Vazquez is one of the best known and most popular Spanish TV presenters fronting the Spanish version of Deal Or No Deal, ¡Allá tú! - and one of the highest profile openly gay celebrities in Europe, having outed himself in Spanish magazine Zero which, if anything, boosted his profile and his career. Having won awards for presenting the sexy Spaniard has also been a spokesman for an amnesty campaign against domestic violence (that highlighted that it could happen to anyone regardless of gender or sexuality), returned to modelling occasionally, dipped his toe into acting, been active in Gay Rights and awareness campaigns and hosted various award shows.

Desnudos! Putting most 23 year olds to shame with his tanned and toned torso

At age 43, he is still a popular pin up with men and women alike (especially due to full frontal naked snaps of him on a nude beach circulating the internet and Spanish gossip mags) , though the former model is happily married to partner Roberto Cortes, breaking the hearts of hordes of horny Spanish Senoritas and a few Seniors.

Sexy - male cleavage to rival Dannii's rack!

However, it is a little know fact that the sexy Spaniard had a brief singing career. Back in 1993, he released the album A Dos Milimetros Escasos De Tu Bora on BMG / Ariola records. A surprisingly good record typically cheesy 90's Spanish Pop such as lead single Y Yo Te Bese but without the usual cheap production that marred most 90's records. The booklet is particularly thick and glossy, containing some rather sexy pictures of Vazquez, including one in tight leather trousers and a shirt opened to reveal a toned chest - they knew his market!




Turn On: Everything! And if the music doesn't float your boat, the bookelt pictures will...
Turn Off: It ends after only 11 tracks
Bap Rating: Dannii's WMDD's
Visit: Official Site www.jesusvazquez.es

Sadly, this album is long out of print and difficult to get hold of unless you are willing to trawl through second hand shops in Barcelona or Madrid in the hope of finding a copy.

Satanic Kylie!

In one of the most hilarious articles EVER posted by Australian "news" website ninemsn, Pop Princess Kylie has been outed as SATANIC! I see it now - Better The Devil You Know was about her romps with daemonic beings and Kids was a subtle way of inducting unsuspecting teens into worshipping Lucifer... and it means that the Droids were right - Kylie used her influence with him downstairs to spitefully ruin Dannii's career!

Kylie Corrupts! Recruiting The Gays to the Dark Prince.

Here is what they had to say:

Kylie Minogue

Kylie Minogue may be mostly known for her cutesy pop songs and girl-next-door style, but she's been busted doing a few things granny wouldn't approve of in her time. Bad boy rockers Lenny Kravitz and the late Michael Hutchence come to mind.

Devil lovin' moment: Singing from atop a giant devil's head on her recent X tour was about as evil as it gets from Ms Minogue.

Kylie bewitches the audience on her X2008 Tour

One can only hope that this is not serious (or more likely they mixed the real Kylie up with some VILE parasitic money grabbing talentless plastic surgery addicted wannabe who is desperate for fame and has worked the casting couches throughout Australia)... check it out (at #12) and 10 other evil rockers here.