It has been just over a week since I got my hands on the latest aural scriptures from The Goddess, Evacuate The Dancefloor which follows hot on the heels of their UK #1 single of the same name so its about time I reviewed it for the unbelievers.
Heavenly
Evacuate the Dancefloor Fabulous opening track and a club stomper. Though I don't see the CaCa rip off that some claim. A bit different from the usual Cascada sound, but still a future classic. Not quite up there with What Hurts The Most or Miracle, but still excellent. 9.5/10
Hold On Starts off a bit badly, almost like a terrible midtempo "indie" track and turns into typical Cascada. Not the best track to follow such a great opener. 5/10
Everytime I Hear Your Name Similar to Everytime We Touch, only with the verses fast and the first half of the chorus slower. A decent track that manages to sound fresh and new despite following the tried and tested formula 7/10
Ready Or Not Another heavy hitting dance anthem that will probably take the clubs by storm though it could easily have fitted onto the revious album Perfect Day. 7/10
Note To Dannii: This Is Called Promotion.
Fever A fan favourite that merges the more electro sound of the title track with the classic Cascada sound. Think Booty Luv's Some Kind Of Rush but harder and with a hint of guitar. Rumoured to be the next single. 9/10
Hold Your Hands Up A quite tender downtempo number featuring stunning Natalie showing off her sultry vocals accompanied by an acoustic guitar and some drums. Lovely. 8/10
Breathless A bit of an odd one. Reminds me of Kids In America with its slightly rockier edge. I can see this getting full remix treatment for the clubs though. 7.5/10
Dangerous The Goddess back to doing what she does best - Hi NRG dance - though this has an added menacing undertone. A video has been filmed (though it seems to have vanished from youtube) so it may be a future single somewhere. 8.5/10
Stunning Natalie showing off another two massive hits
Why You Had To Leave Very much Cascada by numbers and one of only two substandard / filler type tracks. 6/10
What About Me Yet another hands-in-the-air floor filler though with a bit more of an electronic edge than similar track on the previous two albums 7/10
Draw The Line Absolutely stunning ballad where busty beauty natalie showcases her large lumgs with only a piano for company. The highlight of the album and hopefully it will get a single release. 10/10
Overall, far better than previous effort Perfect Day and on par with Everytime We Touch only let down really by the second track taking away from the momentum of the first. Dannii would kill for an album this good. Bap Rating: Dannii's WMDD's
Poor Dannii! It looks like her much touted yet utterly useless Queen Of Clubs title is losing its shine, and her continued indifference towards her music career and her long-suffering fans is beginning to dawn on even the most lobotomized of Droids!
It wasn't too long ago that VILE dEroYd kAwEen nafensayz was BANNING anyone who dared to suggest that Dannii wasn't a Diamond selling musical force with chart success rivalling that of the Beatles, Elvis and Michael Jackson, meaning that the vast majority of Dannii's remaining long term hardcore fans were being turned off their busty icon. However, a quick visit t the Droid Collective will reveal those once branding "troll" and "hayata" round on anyone who dared enjoy Dannii for what she is, conspiring to get them banned is now parrotting off the same lines about FLOPS and holidays used by those "trolls"! Though without the underlying injections of humour and admiration.
How ever will Dannii cope? No doubt catching the next Easyjet flight to St Tropez...
It also looks like the much hyped Freemasons collaboration will never see the light of day, assuming Dannii actually managed to do her two line vocal contribution but the epic Who Do You Love Now, Dannii's biggest worldwide smash, has been reissued in Brazil with a new remix by Bart Claessen. A career as the new Nikki French looks likely!
Jesus Vazquez is one of the best known and most popular Spanish TV presenters fronting the Spanish version of Deal Or No Deal, ¡Allá tú! - and one of the highest profile openly gay celebrities in Europe, having outed himself in Spanish magazine Zero which, if anything, boosted his profile and his career. Having won awards for presenting the sexy Spaniard has also been a spokesman for an amnesty campaign against domestic violence (that highlighted that it could happen to anyone regardless of gender or sexuality), returned to modelling occasionally, dipped his toe into acting, been active in Gay Rights and awareness campaigns and hosted various award shows.
Desnudos! Putting most 23 year olds to shame with his tanned and toned torso
At age 43, he is still a popular pin up with men and women alike (especially due to full frontal naked snaps of him on a nude beach circulating the internet and Spanish gossip mags) , though the former model is happily married to partner Roberto Cortes, breaking the hearts of hordes of horny Spanish Senoritas and a few Seniors.
Sexy - male cleavage to rival Dannii's rack!
However, it is a little know fact that the sexy Spaniard had a brief singing career. Back in 1993, he released the album A Dos Milimetros Escasos De Tu Bora on BMG / Ariola records. A surprisingly good record typically cheesy 90's Spanish Pop such as lead single Y Yo Te Bese but without the usual cheap production that marred most 90's records. The booklet is particularly thick and glossy, containing some rather sexy pictures of Vazquez, including one in tight leather trousers and a shirt opened to reveal a toned chest - they knew his market!
Turn On: Everything! And if the music doesn't float your boat, the bookelt pictures will... Turn Off: It ends after only 11 tracks Bap Rating: Dannii's WMDD's Visit: Official Site www.jesusvazquez.es
Sadly, this album is long out of print and difficult to get hold of unless you are willing to trawl through second hand shops in Barcelona or Madrid in the hope of finding a copy.
Take that Kylie and haters! Dannii's massive mammaries have boosted her into the Top 10 of the FMH Hot 100 Hall Of Fame! beating strumpet Jordan, egotistical Miss Tyra and epilectic banshee Beyawnsay to a respectable #8 - her biggest hit since heaving her WMDD's out for the video of You Won't Forget About Me back in 2004.
Career High:Transforming herself from awkward teen tearaway Emma Jackson in Home And Away, to voluptuous pop vixen in the early Nineties – upping her cup size to a magnificent “D” in the process.
Snippet: “I’ve been in Playboy in Australia. I loved it. I think it's really empowering and positive towards women.” Hear! Hear!
$ucce$$! To celebrate, here are Dannii's Top 5 sexiest videos:
#5 I Begin To Wonder (UK #2, 2003)
In lace gloves and curve-clinging red dress, Dannii romps round an industrial estate.
#4 So Under Pressure (UK #20, 2006)
Sibling suffering has never been so sexy! In sympathy with sister Kylie's illness, Dannii frolics with her lipstick lesbian dance troupe and squeezes her famous rack into a tight white bikini to writhe suggestively with an albino python.
Dirty hands, she demands! Seductively posing astride a massive 12"er, pole dancing and rubbing herself against a wall that grows invisible hands while showcasing her buxom breasts in sexy cutting edge designer clobber. It must have been cold on set...
Whenever anyone talks of the younger Minogue sister, steering the conversation towards her chart toppers is an impossible task - because she has had none! Infact, as far as the general public is concerned, Dannii is famous for being Kylie's plastic surgery addicted sister, for baring her famous baps for Playboy and for somehow managing to blag her way onto the panel for the X Factor, probably because of her aforementioned jugs. However, anyone who has managed a visit to the Droid Collective will hear a different story - where Dannii is a multiplatinum multi-million selling $ucce$ story, credible vocalist and accomplished live performer; and anyone who says different is an evil jealous hater and most probably her spiteful sister in disguise...
Since there are endless Dannii "hits" compliations currently clogging up bargain bins worldwide, what better way to introduce the younger, bustier Minogue than with some stuff that even fans don't know about! It goes without saying that in the US, Japan and Europe that none of these charted...
#10 He's The Greatest Dancer
(From Club Disco, OZ #37, SP #9) Despite being Dannii's biggest ever hit in Spain and the single (selected to be the annual BBC Children In Need charity single) being canned in the UK due to her inability to get it recorded on time, Dannii appearing on one of the highest rated Australian TV shows weekly and performing on the other two (as well as on the CIN show), though it did do alright considering she couldn't be arsed showing up for the video shoot...
The Droids Say: Distribution problems! I went to JB Hi-Fi and they told me they weren't getting any until next week and Sanity only had 2 copies but I bought them both as well as the three in HMV Bourke St and five from Chapel St but I left one cos then they wouldn't have counted.
Using sexual metaphor, Dannii expresses her pain in her undies
#9 So Under Pressure (From The Hits & Beyond, UK #20, OZ #16, IR #31, NZ, #DNC, EU # DNC, IT #DNC) While it remains only one of two Dannii songs to chart higher in her native Australia than in the UK (the other being her debut Love & Kisses back in 1990), it could only scrape into the UK Top 20 on a technicality, (due to the massive Crazy by Gnarls Barklay which would have been #17 being excluded under the chart rules of the time as it had been deleted two weeks previously) before plummetting faster than DULLTa's knickers at a Sony board meeting. Draping a python round her famous rack in the video and half arsed miming during the various promotional performances only helped cement Dannii's image as a FLOP star who cannot sing and gets her tits out, meaning that the public failed to embrace this stunning ode to sibling suffering.
What The Droids Say: Kylie sabotaged Dannii's career by deliberately getting cancer.
#8 Boogie Woogie (From The Best Of Eurogroove, JP #DNC) Made such an impact that noone knows anythign about it and it remains one of Danni's rarest tracks to date. Rumours that it made #1 on the Japanese charts have been revealed to be false by various J-Pop lovers across the internet, and as Eurogroove were Japanese, it wouldn't have charted on the international chart. An unconfirmed chart placing of #55 has been mentioned.
What The Droids Say: Nathen Says it was number one in Japan! Nathen will confurm!
#7 Get Into You (From Get Into You UK #36, OZ #79, IR #DNC) One of the most patheticly desperate attempts by La Minogue to give herself some cred and coolness by copying Janet Jackson and En Vogue. The only surprising thing about the lack of success of this aural turd is that it charted at all...
What The Droids Say: Dannii is so ahead of her time.
Dannii Does Dykes!
#6 Everlasting Night (From some mardi gras compilation, OZ #42) A one-off single not available anywhere else and the official song of the infamous Mardi Gras - surely a guaranteed Top 10 hit if ever there was one, yet the best it could do was hang around outside the Top 40 for a couple of weeks like a bad smell before vanishing without a trace.
What The Droids say: Homophobes!
#5 Coconut (From Girl / The Singles, OZ #63) Releasing a song that is a hidden track on an album noone bought as a single to promote a Greatest Hits compilation that noone bought, and was such a smash in the clubs that it even has its own naughty game based on the lyrics. Yet noone bought it.
What the Droids say: Evil Jealous Hater! Coconut was not a FLOP! I heard it in a club the other night.
#4 Don't Wanna Take This Pain (From Dannii / Love And Kisses And... UK #40, OZ #98, IR #DNC) Three (five in the UK) singles in and already barely charting...
What the Droids say: It was the 5th single from a gold album and it was Christmas and sales were bigger then anyway
#3 Show You the Way To Go (From Get Into You, UK #30, OZ #DNC, IR #DNC) First single from a new album, charity single, cover of a famous Jackson 5 hit - bound to be Top 10, right?
What The Droids say: Hater! You don't understand the Australian charts! It got to #104 which was higher than Madonna's I Want You* which only got to #140!
Pre-Surgery Dannii = HOT!
#2 Love's On Every Corner (From Get Into You, UK #44, IR #DNC) Take one track penned by Cathy Dennis, who was hot property at the time, add some trendy US flavoured melody and backing vocals and an edgy new video complete with street dancing. Fail to chart. Wasn't released in Australia due to the FLOP of SYTWTG and its failure to do anything in the UK.
What the Droids say: It doesn't count, it wasn't meant to be released.
#1 Touch Me Like That (From Club Disco (Australian Edition), UK #48, OZ #DNC, IR #DNC, EU #DNC, IT #DNC) 10 million people saw Dannii every Saturday night on the X Factor - her profile had never been higher and she was getting a lot of positive press (especially in light of the vicious attacks on her by Sharon and Louise). Though the video did get her a new following with rubber fetishists, who used it as wank fodder.
What the Droids say: Dannii is the Queen Of Clubs! Such a success! The charts are fixed. Downloading is to blame. Everyone downloaded it illegally. It is AATW's fault.
Hailing from Puerto Rico, Calle 13 are probably best known for remixing No Hay Igual for Nelly Furtado, working with Volito and for appearing on the scene during the explosion of Reggaeton. However, while dipping their toes into reggaeton and hip-hop, they have incorporated many different styles and influences in their music across their three studio albums - including traditional music and slang from various countries they have toured.
Residente's lyrics are often satirical and sarcastic with clever use of parody. With tracks that touch on the typical "urban" themes (sex, drugs, women of easy virtue), they do so in an atypical style - you wouldn't get 50 Cent or TI proclaiming that they have a small penis and premature ejeculation problems in their tepid shitefests! The band have also courted controversy with sexually explicit lyrics, references to drug use, attacks on the Puerto Rican government and the FBI, and accusations of racism & mysogyny.
Residente is rather attractive in that skinny Latino thug way.
Calle 13 (2005)
Their debut album is rather impressive, though a tad too long for my liking - what is it about "urban" acts and never ending albums? - and while it starts out strong it tends to get weaker towards the end.
Easily the weakest of the three, caused a stir amoung fans and critics for daring to use influences and slang from other countries and cultures! While rather ambitious, it doesn't live up the the promise of their previous effort but is never the less a solid effort. Having the four singles from the previous album tacked on to the end of the International versions only highlights the weaknesses. However, it does contain a fabulous attack on the old crone in Sin Exagerer
Turn On: La Crema Turn Off: La Fokin Moda Bap Rating: Paris Hilton's Pancakes
Los De Atras Vienen Conmigo (2008)
Probably their strongest and most cohesive effort, managing to switch between styles and genres yet flow nicely as a whole - indeed skipping any tracks actually ruins the flow of the album! The classy introduction, the subject matter of several tracks (Fiesta De Locos, John El Esquizofrenico) booklet pictures seem to suggest Residente is placing himself in a mental hospital, adding to the flavour. While it does have one or two weaker tracks, it doesn't have a single dud.
Turn On: Electro Movimiento Turn Off: Ven Y Criticame Bap Rating: Dannii's WMDD's
Today I gave into temptation and bought the AATW Platinum Smash Uncle B by N-Dubz. The UK's favourite Chavs, frequently #1 on the Channel U charts, first came to the attention of Polydor records after a number of self-released singles (one of which reached #57 in the UK) and winning a MOBO for best newcomer. Though after You'd Better Not Waste My Time peaked at #26, they parted ways with Polydor and signed to AATW, releasing the utterly shite Ouch, followed by Papa and the album which entered the UK album chart at #11 and has stayed in the Top 20 since release. Overall its actually quite good despite the occasionally dodgy lyrics. I may give it a proper review at some point in the future when I've given it a few more listens, for now this touching tribute to the aforementioned "Uncle B" is a solid 7/10
Turn On: The fabulous Strong Again - check out Tulisa's baps in the stunning video
Turn Off: Ouch - though it does contain the genious lyric "name's Shaniqua and wot?!"
If You Like This: Try Haze who I will be talking about in the next few months.
Heavenly
